The Perfect Pet

Well, it's four thirty in the morning, and I've been lying in bed awake for the last hour and a half with random semi dream state sparks of wisdom going off in my head.

Many years ago when the notion of no good deed going unpunished was not yet firmly implanted in my brain, one of my cousins and his brother in law asked me if I could give them a hand on the coming Tuesday night, and thinking they needed me to help move a refrigerator or something, I agreed to help. They picked me up, and I became highly suspicious when I realized that they both had on coats and ties. I was afraid that they were going for some kind of religious intervention, but even worse, it turned out to be an Amway meeting.

So, I go to this meeting, and during the rah-rah section where they are trying to convince everyone of the fabulous wealth they are about to obtain, they posed the question: "What would you buy if you had all the money you wanted. One by one, they let everyone in the room answer the question. Considering the unlimited nature of the question, most of the answers were fairly pedestrian, some wanted a new house, or to take a trip. One stringy haired hippy type kid said that he would love to have a new Trans-Am with a big eagle across the hood. You have to admire some one with such lofty goals. I don't remember what I said, but I was not very enthusiastic about the process, so maybe I just wished for cab fare. Anyway, this little event sometimes comes to mind when I'm lying in bed reviewing life's injustices, and this morning my stream of conscience led me to consider what I would buy if I indeed had a boat load of money.

Let's say that tomorrow, I won the Power Ball lottery (my only chance of an early and decent retirement), and the winnings were, I don't know, say 300 million. Enough to put me into the top one percent. I think I would go out and buy a new pet.

I've had a series of dogs during my life, poodles, and schnauzers and mongrels, some smart, and some dumb and stubborn. They've all been good companions, but if I were rich, I would go for a working breed, I would buy myself a congressman.

I would not want a Senator, the purebred strains suffer from too much inbreeding, and they tend to be stupid and high maintenance. Plus, they are much more expensive, and they will often turn on the hand that feeds them.
A member of the House of Representatives is a much better choice. These working class curs, while they may not have the looks or the deep throat ed bark of a pure breed, make the best pets. They are low maintenance, and easily trained. You simply give them a semiannual feeding of Purina Congressional Chow, and they roll over and display their unconditional love. To properly train them, you use positive reinforcement. You give them a treat when they show good behavior, or obediently follow your commands. A small cash incentive, or a sweet deal on a mortgage, or a trip, and they are eager to please. Negative reinforcement also works for the big infractions. A threat to withhold their semiannual feeding bring them fawning to you feet with their tail down and their head held low.

You want to pick one with a bit of a retriever mix, and schnauzer for tenacity, but be careful, too much lab makes them fat and lazy. I think it would be wise to pick a male, the females are much too sensitive when you speak sharply to them.

Congressional pets are great crowd pleasers. They have good social skills, and seldom pee on the carpet. Let them mingle at a party, and don't worry, they can be petted with no danger of a bite. Be careful with alcohol, they tend to get yippy with too much to drink, and have a tendency to hump. Also don't allow you guests to feed them from the table, the congressman may try to follow you guest home.

The best thing about a congressional pet is not his love or his cuteness, its what, as a working breed, they can do for you. If you are wealthy enough to be able to afford one, they can repay your investment many times over. If I, having won my 300 million, purchased a congressman, I would expect him to guard my money by somehow exempting me from paying taxes on it. If he could not do that, I might as well have a dog.